Now as to those who are reading this, I have always known that I am adopted and I am a firm believer that telling your child about adoption from the get-go is always a better way to start. Yeah, it hurts some times, yes it makes it difficult many times, especially when you question who you are and what you are doing on this planet. It makes that period of time hard when everybody else has been given assignments to follow their family tree. That’s when the curiosity starts. Then slowly but surely a feeling of not belonging sets in. It sets in even if you don’t know that your adopted. you notice how different your hair is, or why are your eyes a different color, or why don’t I ever just feel like I fit in here?
The best choice my parents ever made was telling me as much as they knew about my adoption without involving the adoptive parents. It is imperative to keep that relationship very limited in communication,maybe a yearly letter or so to the birth mother, unless somebody comes down with some terrible life threatening disease or a hereditary disease such as cancer, diabetes, heart attack, or stroke, then it is imperative that you know that stuff. Now certain questions will arise, such as where do I come from? What are they like? The where do I come from question is pretty important, and can be answered, but do wait until your child is 18 to answer that second question. Now that’s if you have an open adoption, but like I said in those you really want to keep the communication down to as minimal as possible. It is important that they have the first 17 years to connect with you the parents that have raised them up. As to a closed adoption, when they are 18 they can find out, generally through the agency, names and addresses. There they can also receive some pre-meet-the-other-family counseling and direction.
18 is really a tough year for adopted people sometimes, so do be sure to let your child know that you support them, and that you love them. Also try to get them to make a big support base, not by forcing them, but by saying things like “We always have our pastors to talk to, or our church friends, and don’t forget your best friend to confide in too. This stuff is not easy to just hide inside yourself. In fact really if someone does that it makes it so much harder.”
Let me just tell you a little about my experience being 18 and getting to know my other family:
Now none of this is intended to offend anybody. I am sorry if it does, but it is the way that I feel things are right now. If you also feel that it was a private matter, I am sorry, like I said you need a big support base because things like this do pop up randomly and they do really hurt.
This is an e-mail I sent to someone explaining what I have discovered.
I was adopted. I didn’t know that any of the following had happened until this e-mail was sent to me last February. The reason I sent you this is because I really want to meet my biological family. I also just wanted you to preemptively know this stuff too.
So my mom (biological), D., and my father (biologically), T., were married. They had my sister S. and I and gave us up for adoption. D. brought a kid from a previous marriage named C.. T. brought in two kids from another marriage, one named J., and the other Aubrey. So and had my sister and I. D. put us up for adoption, and had us while T. was out of town, giving us to my legal parents Da. and C.. Now I absolutely do love and respect those two for number one not waiting til my biological family contacted me to tell me I was adopted, and 2 for being as straight up awesome as they are. I also love and adore them very much because they had to put up with a lot to get my sister and I to where we are now, but now for more of the story.
So D. and T. both went through a very tough divorce. She said that he mistreated C., and then she filed for divorce, while she was in the process of divorcing him, she had the two of us. They got back together. They had another kid named J. who is my full blood brother. They kept him. Once again they divorced. T. kept Aubrey and J., D. kept C. and J.. I had learned of all of this in about two months, because after the 18 birthday, the biological parents can contact the kids and so can the biological brothers and so forth.
So February 3rd, 2010 I open up my e-mail inbox, and prior to this day I had known that J. and Aubrey did exist. I hadn’t talked to any of that side of the family yet.
I was going through my e-mail and I found this again. I know it might seem a little dramatic me sending this to you, but I gotta tell you. To know someone it is imperative to know what they have been going through.
Sent: Wednesday, February 02, 2011 11:44 PM
To: PAB
Subject: From D.~Letter from J. to Aubrey C.
Phillip,
J.’s Facebook page is only open to friends but you can access anything that comes from him or T. by going to J.’s Home page & reading!
I have cut & pasted what he wrote on his page in this email for you!
Aubrey Esther Carr March 6 1984 – February 3 2000.
Has it really been 11 years? Doesn’t feel like it.
You were taken way too soon and you are loved and missed dearly.
Letter to Aubrey
by J.Carr on Wednesday, February 2, 2011 at 2:17am
Aubrey,
Today marks 11 years since you were taken from us. Thursday February 3, 2000 will forever be ingrained in my memory.
Ever since that day, I have felt guilty as hell that I was able to save myself but was unable to save you. Please believe me, I would have done ANYTHING to save you.
That day, you were walking up the driveway as I was riding my bike to church and I remember you asked me “Hey is the door unlocked?” My last words to you were “Yes it’s unlocked and Mom is home”. Little did I know as I rode away, that those would be the last words I ever said to you. Since that day I have always regretted not telling you how much I love you or how great of a big sister you were. I regret like hell not being there for you when you needed me the most.
After I came home, I saw that the door to your room was closed and your light was off so I thought you were taking a nap. Mom followed me to the back of the house and I went into my room and sat on the bed looking at CD’s because I wanted to listen to music while I did my homework. At first I wanted to lay down on my bed, but something told me not to (to this day I think it was you watching over me). So I’m sitting there looking at CD’s and I look up, and Mom is pointing a gun at me. She fires, I fell on the ground, and for a few seconds I think this is some sort of joke. I sit back up on the bed, look down, see a hole in my shirt, look behind me and see a hole in a pillow, and I realize what happened. I picked up a book and throw it at her, mom left and I decided to try and get out of there. I made it as far as the living room before I collapsed on the couch. Mom walked into the room, I saw her and told myself that if I died, the police and the family would know that I had fought back and at least tried to escape. Luckily for me, she did not have the gun anymore. Mom talked to me for a few minutes and then called a neighbor. A few minutes later, she called 911 on herself. The cops arrived and asked me who shot me. I told them that Mom did. The cop got on her radio and said “Suspect is on scene and is going into custody”. At that moment, the paramedics came busting into the house, got me into the ambulance and stabilized me. After being put in the ambulance, I asked a ton of questions. “How is my sister?”,
Am I going to have surgery?”, “Am I going to be ok?” “Why aren’t we moving?” etc… The Paramedics wanted to keep me calm so they told me that you were going to be ok and we were waiting for you to be loaded into the other ambulance. Looking back, I know they already knew that you were gone. The Ambulance ride is pretty much a blur. But I do remember being wheeled into the hospital and there was a news crew standing by the ER Entrance (I later saw footage of myself going into the hospital…It was pretty surreal). I also vividly remember waking up from surgery and Uncle John was standing next to me on the right side of the bed near my head holding my hand, Aunt Bev was on the right side near my feet, and Rev. Worsham was on the left side by my head. I woke up and looked at Uncle John and the first words out of my mouth were “Where’s Aubrey?”. And I have always loved and respected Uncle John for telling me the truth that night. He flat out told me “Aubrey is gone”. I was all drugged up but I remember saying “Oh ok.” and went back to sleep.
Little did I know that as I was being taken to the hospital, friends of ours were gathering at the WOOD to pray for us. They even saw the ambulance that was taking me to the hospital. I can’t even imagine what that was like seeing an ambulance that you knew one of your friends was in go by…
The next few days I have almost no memory of, but I do remember certain parts. I remember a nurse (I think her name was Mrs. Jackson), she came into my room every day when I was in ICU to change the sheets. Now obviously I couldn’t get out of bed yet so it SUCKED!! Every day as she changed the sheets, she would say over and over “God Loves you and has a plan for you”. That simple phrase, over and over, helped me become a Christian.
Granddad and Oma were unable to see me for the first 2-3 days. And I totally understand. They had an all of a sudden “windfall of crap” fall down upon them. Obviously they knew from the beginning that you were gone, and I was ok. So before they could see me, they needed to make sure that Mom was ok and would be properly represented. During the entire ordeal, Granddad and Uncle John both took 2 weeks off work to make sure everything would be ok. For 2 weeks they pretty much ran around Houston from 5am-10pm making sure Mom was represented, I was ok, and funeral arrangements were made. For the first few days they made sure Mom had a good lawyer who would take care of her and help look after her interests. After Mom was taken care of, they made sure I was good to go. The only reason they didn’t look after me first was because they knew I was in one of the best hospitals in the world (Ben Taub). After Mom was taken care of, they had to look after me custody-wise. By that time, my Dad had found out about what happened (He was contacted by Dr. Culbertson, Sr Pastor of Lakewood UMC at the time), and had hired a lawyer to contend for custody. And fortunately, everyone reached an agreement that I should stay with my Granddad.
Dad, that is nothing against you. You know that I love you no matter what. From the day you arrived, you stayed by my side until I was discharged. I remember the TDCJ officers who came by and told us that we were being thought of and supported. But Houston is where I grew up. Houston is what I knew. Houston is were my friends were. So I’m glad that I stayed with Granddad. But I’m glad that you and I are as close as we are. It’s partially because of you that I joined the military. I remember as a kid, you drove us around in your Bronco listening to Full Metal Jacket style Marine Corps Cadence, took us to visit the Battleship Texas and the San Jacinto Monument, and told us stories about driving the M60 Patton tank in the National Guard. Remember that time you and I found a used 155mm (I think) tank shell in Grammy’s trailer? And we also found some Great Uncle’s combat gear from WW1…. Dad, you taught me a lot about service. And I am very proud to have learned those lessons.
I remember 3 days after the shooting. Sunday Feb 6th. Lakewood probably had the usual morning services. But your Memorial Service was that evening. I remember Dr. C came to visit me (either that day or the day before) and I was doing a breathing exercise and couldn’t talk, but when I saw him, I gave him a thumbs up. During your memorial, Dr. C mentioned that, and had everyone give ME thumbs up. I also remember Nate Williams and some of the Jr High Youth Group kids came to visit me that day before the memorial service. I’ve heard the tape of the Memorial, and Brion Daugherty…..I heard you on the tape man you did a GREAT job singing. I know you broke down and couldn’t finish…but man I don’t blame you. If I remember correctly, the song was “If You Don’t Wake Up Tomorrow” it was one of Aubrey’s favorites. A few days after the Memorial, Nate and a bunch of the Jr High guys visited me again and gave me a photo of the Jr High Bible Study Group (Nate Williams, Darci Freeman, Jadd Joseph, Randy Shives, Cooper Sims, and a bunch of other people I don’t remember. Part of the photo was somehow ruined by water, but I still have it. And everyone in that photo was giving ME a thumbs up! My Thumbs Up, was my way of telling everyone “Hey I’m ok”. Their Thumbs Up back, was I guess a way of saying “We are with you”.
A few days later Mrs. Betty stopped by with a special visitor….our boy Wayne Kerr. Wayne gave me a worship CD with a song of his on it. I was listening to that song when I came up with an idea. “Hey what if Wayne wrote a song for Aubrey”. So after I got out of the hospital, I emailed him, and he said “Man I will be glad to write a song for her and I will definitely pray about it”. He wrote “At The Narrow Gate” for you and it is on the Apple Core CD. He sang that song at the Apple Core CD Release party and EVERYONE from the WOOD started crying. On the CD jacket it has the words to the song and it also says “Matthew 7:13-14 Enter through the Narrow Gate, wide and broad is the gate that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life.” “Dedicated to the memory of Aubrey Carr…see you soon”. And it has a picture of a little girl dressed as an angel walking up the aisle of a church. To this day, I have a hard time listening to that song.
Less than 2 weeks after the shooting, I was released from the hospital and went back to school. At the time i was hoping to be out of school for like 5-6 weeks. But now looking back, I’m glad that my life went back to “normal” so soon. I was able to get back to my friends. I remember that the Sunday after I left the hospital, there was a 121 service at church. 121 was a Church youth band with Ryan McDaniel and Brion Daugherty. They named it 121 after Philippians 1:21 “For to Me, To live is Christ and to die is gain”. That night, during the service, I went up to the altar and prayed for the first time since the shooting. My friends Darci Freeman and Landyn Goedde came up and prayed with me that night, as did I’m sure a lot of other people. But I very vividly remember those two being there. And that really meant a lot to me.
When I got back to school, it was very surreal. Everyone looked at me like “Holy crap that’s the guy who got shot”!! The “cool kids” wanted to hang out with me at lunch and my friends probably felt kind of alienated. I remember a few days after I went back to school, the family held your gravesite funeral. The family was there. Katie Hines was there. The Smith family was there. And my friend Don Diehl was there. Don, I don’t think you knew my sister at all. but brother man, thank you for being there for me. That is something I have always appreciated, yet probably never said Thank You for.
For several years after the shooting, I really wanted nothing to do with my mom. She could have died in prison for all I cared. And I think everyone understands that. But my Granddad, the great guy that he is, kept asking/pressuring me to visit her. So in 2007, while I was home on leave before reporting to the USS Nimitz, I agreed to go see her. That was probably the most rewarding day of my life. A lot of people have asked me if I’ve forgiven my mom. The Bible tells us to forgive those who have hurt/done wrong to us. I forgave my mom for what she did to me several years ago, because I’m still here. But it wasn’t until the last time I saw her (2010) that I know that I forgive her for what she did to Aubrey.
How do I know I forgive her for what she did? As our visit ended, we stood up and I hugged her and without thinking I said “Mom, I forgive you for what you did. You are up for parole in a few years. If you need someone to testify to the Parole Board on your behalf, just let me know and I will be there to do so”. She started crying and said “Thank you!! Just hearing that means so much!!”
Even though February 3rd, 2000 was the worst day of my life….I don’t think I would go back and change it for anything. Granted I would love more than ANYTHING to have my big sister back, that day literally made me into the man I am today. It is a part of my history. It’s part of who and what I am.
There might be some people out there who might not like me for forgiving my mom. But Aubrey was a very forgiving person, and I know for a fact that that’s what she would have wanted me to do. And that’s what matters to me.
As of right now I believe Aubrey has a brick in her memory in the new Garden at Lakewood. That is my Granddad’s doing. As for me, I have TWO “living memorials” planned. The first will be a tattoo on my chest with her full name Aubrey Esther Carr in a half circle shape on top of an outline of the State of Texas, then on the bottom will be “March 6th 1984- February 3, 2000”. Her birth and death dates.
The second, will happen when my first daughter is born. I will convince my wife that our first daughter WILL BE named Aubrey Esther. I’m sure she’ll go along with it. And if not…I’ll use my powers of persuasion to persuade her.
Aubrey,
This was meant to be more like a letter to you. Instead it became a random bit of my feelings from that day and the weeks after. But I just wanted you to know, you were the BEST big sister a guy could ever have!!
Love,
Your Little brother Justin
P.S. I’m sorry that I sprained your ankle that day that I threw a rock at you at on vacation. And I’m also sorry that I threw a basketball at your face in the driveway (possibly on several occasions). I just had to be a mischievous Little Brother sometimes!!! 😀
When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you ever really needed!